Fellas, who said only the ladies could have a #hotgirlsummer?
Here’s a list of the ten quickest ways to get board-shorts-body ready whilest flexing your manhood.
- Flip your crocs into sport mode.
Why not strip that strap? The weather is heating up, let those heels breathe! This one isn’t only for aesthetics, it’s functional too. In sports mode, you’re ready to break into an all out sprint at a moment’s notice. No one will notice your beer-belly in photos, they will be too busy thinking– “hey, now THIS guy’s an athlete”.
2. Capitalize on that summer BOGO rainbow trout special at Acme so you’re ready in advance for totally candid Hinge photos.
Say it with me now: Fish fear me, and women want me. Legend has it a man just needs a nice, firm catch to ensnare the loveliest coastal granddaughter in all the seaside village.
3. Reconnect with one of the douchiest finance bro from college, preferably one who now owns an embezzled-funded yacht.
Everybody looks a little bit better on a yacht. Whose to say if it causes even the shortest of kings to stand a bit taller, or if it makes their heels appear to have magically been lifted by fat rolls of 100 dollar bills, but it’s rare to see an unattractive man alone on a Booze Cruiser. Time to call up Logan from your college Level-1 economics class!
4. Bang your best friend’s girlfriend.
This is what the big dogs would describe as “sigma”. There is no way to mess this up. If you do this you will be unquestionably cool, successful, and lonely. At that point, it doesn’t matter what you body looks like, as you will no longer have any friends that want to look at you.
5. Invest in a nice box of cuban cigars.
No one will be able to even see your body through the cloud of smoke puffin from your stogie. Plus, the only ones who will sit by you while you’re smoking will resemble Tony Soprano and make you look beach body ready by default.
6. Save a group of women from a burning car.
You may be covered in burn marks from head to toe, but you are a hero! Therefore you are undeniably handsome. No one will remember that you screamed for mommy as you plunged into a pit of fire, because you saved four women! And a child! Well, the child part is a lie. But the cute girl in the ocean doesn’t need to know that, or the fact that the fire started from a gasoline-doused hand towel you shoved up the exhaust pipe ten minutes prior.
7. Perfect the art of the power stance.
The power stance may sound simple on the surface, but you’ll quickly find out it requires tapping into heinously complex neurological patterns. For a quick tutorial, watch Beyonce’s “Run the World (Girls)” music video at .5x speed.
8. Choose a sun hat that brings out the highlights in your facial hair.
If your beard has ginger undertones- opt for a baby shark themed bucket hat from when that annoying song was popular in 2016. If you’ve reached the salt and pepper era, you may dust off the charcoal fedora that hasn’t been touched since you bought it in a Brooklyn thrift shop in 2004. If you don’t have facial hair– opt for an umbrella hat to protect your baby-butt-bare upper lip from sun exposure.
9. Get a vasectomy.
This one is self explanatory. With all that sperm shooting back up into you, your muscles will grow ten times faster than when you were blasting out potential sons everyday. Sorry kids, but Dad’s not comin’ home this summer.
10. Perform 3×10 reps of calf raises.
A hard body starts with a strong foundation, fellas. You think Ashley over there on her beach towel is going to give you the time of day if she looks up to a couple of pale match sticks wavering on top of a pair of crocs? Well, it may just be sports-mode that saves you in the end.
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