The Jester

What does it mean

If the way they lean

Is away from everything

You offer to bring?

I’ve clutched in my hands pieces of the sky

All to watch the clouds of his memory drift by

As my breath crashes like ice capped waves

Extinguishing the fools fire that lit up my chest like a barren cave

He told me he loves me, and of that I’m sure

But I never thought I’d be the woman who chooses him over her

Each morning I will get out of bed, even if I must crawl

What does it mean if a farewell embrace makes you feel so small

I offered him everything, I’d give it all up

It rips me in half that the whole of me can’t fill his cup

But maybe that’s been the issue all along,

Even in a room of my own I don’t feel I belong

Why does it crumple me to the ground, to take the love he won’t accept

And try to pull it back inward, where for so long it slept

I can’t give it to myself; it’s spit back repulses me

It tastes of failure and ugliness and all I’ve tried so hard not to see

He was always so close yet so far

The ghost of his hand resting on my knee in the car

Leaves me laying on the bathroom floor sprawled out like an exploding star

I can’t think of the crinkled lines around his smiling eyes or my guts will spin

Every time, in the battle between my head and my heart, the latter wins

For now I’ll catch my own train

And stand steady on my own, a jester in the pouring rain

Maybe it will finally lead me leave

Behind the clown mirror I look into and believe

So I can no longer wonder what it means

If the way he leans

Is away from everything

A simple jester offers to bring